sunnuntaina, joulukuuta 31, 2006

I would like to extend thanks to Zen Wizard for having mis-diagnosed me as lactose intolerant. His mis-diagnosis led to a brief no-cheese crisis in which Lady Bonds suffered profoundly, but has now joyously resumed her normal consumption of curdled milk and mold.

Despite the unlimited quantities of New York Extra Sharp Cheddar Cheese at my disposal at the moment, I look forward to my imminent return to The Land of Camembert and Brebis.

Residency in either country presents its difficulties (which are far too complex to be addressed in a New Year’s Eve post). However, to all those who, after reading assorted accounts of the “Year in Review” and, after pausing in considered reflection on the decisions and actions of their homelands, have decided that seeking alternative citizenship might be a simple way to shed national responsibility/guilt/shame, I offer the following suggestions:

Become Sort Of Canadian.

Or, Become a Scottish Lord. "Why?" you may ask.

"People with a title are seen as wealthier, more attractive and much more successful than a plain Mr, Miss or Mrs. This will boost your self-esteem and increase your confidence."

If anyone knows how I could become Sort Of Finnish, please let me know. I would consider renouncing my ladyship.


Anonymous Anonyymi said...

you'd have had to be born in the helsinki airport (or the herring aisle, take your pick)—ala an imp called Elik.

however, i was talking with a Norwegian friend in Tokyo, and she informed me that upon 21-turning, every Norwegian must actively claim his/her citizenship again. if the same holds for Norway's eastern neighbor....

blast: it would seem that you have missed both the age of birth and of legality.

12:44 ap.  
Blogger Lady Bonds said...

a; Snap! The herring aisle, the herring aisle...but I might get confused with being Icelandic. I wonder if *giving birth* in the Helsinki airport qualifies one in some way...Could Masha pull some strings?

Well done, a. You have enlightened me of possibilities.

11:29 ip.  
Blogger Zen Wizard said...'re welcome?

I was just kind of hoping you would pop some Lactaid®.

12:20 ap.  
Blogger Zen Wizard said...

You would be "sort of Finnish" if you were Swedish and drove an unsafe car and never watched or starred in porn.

12:23 ap.  
Anonymous Anonyymi said...

I suspect that changing ones nationality willy-nilly is only of significant advantage to:

1 - The politically oppressed.

2 - Homosexual tennis players who have what it takes to become professional sportspeople in the "really" free world.

None of whom, except in very unusual circumstances, are Scandinavian. Particularily group number one.

I would write more, but I must stop, due to the fact that I feel the overwhelming urge to imbibe vast quantities of dairy produce.

1:31 ap.  
Blogger Zen Wizard said...

Boycott Soy Milk!

It's cruel to the farmers who have to bend over and milk the soybean plants every morning.

2:12 ap.  
Anonymous Anonyymi said...

winters: i believe you have the directionality backwards. our fair lady would seek to become— albeit "sort of"—Scandinavian. and since you've allowed for unwritten numbers than IDPs or gay gamers, we must grant her sort of desire. besides, when has "significant advantage" ever significantly motivated?

2:37 ap.  
Anonymous Anonyymi said...

The Duchess would like to point out to Lady Bonds that the phrase "sort of Finnish" is redundant, constituting a wordier equivalent of the better-known moniker "Finnishish."

At any rate, The Duchess commends Lady Bonds' superior judgment in striving for Finnishness rather than Norwegishness. The Norwegish do have Jarlsberg, but their most celebrated national cheese is that nasty brown shit that smells of sweetened goat piss and tastes worse - arguably the gastronomical arch-nemesis of the sharp cheddar that protagonizes your headiest Parisian dreams.

6:42 ip.  
Anonymous Anonyymi said...

Thank you for straightening out my thinking on this issue, a.

I can only add that becoming "sort of" Scandinavian might be a little like becoming "sort of" vegetarian.

Such a move, whilst perhaps "sort of" easing the conscience, would not contribute to the prevention of harm to cute and defenseless animals.

Ethically and politically, it would be sort of like the backhand lob. Very pretty, but hardly a match-winning smash.

11:51 ap.  
Blogger Lady Bonds said...

Zen; "you're welcome" is an acceptable response. You see, your mis-diagnosis allowed me to experience a brief moment of cheese-deprived masochism, from which I gained perverse pleasure in denying myself my "daily bread," as it were, *and* it inspired a visit to the doctor who recnfirmed a previous diagnosis (hypocondria), told me to spend less time on the internet identitfying possible maladies, and told me to drink less coffee.

Also, I did drive a Volvo once, but crashed it. Since then, I have only had occasional access to Toyotas and Hondas. Under no circumstances do I watch porn as I drive. Perhaps, then, I need only to become Swedish.

Winters; I must concur with a's next comment, which highlights the irrelevancy of the phrase "significant advantage." However, I will point out that, while Scandinavians themselves rarely need to change nationality for the sake of political oppression, those who *are* politically oppressed may find Scandinavian citizenship desireable.

Zen; Boycott soymilk, I do indeed. What I prefer are almond and hazelnut milk. They are delicious.

a; Quite right, a, quite right. Fluency in Czech counts among those things that may or may not be a "significant advantage," yet what has it to do with significant motivation?

duchess; Lady Bonds is unfamiliar with Norwegian Brown Sweetened Goat Piss Cheese. However, many cheese with which she has become familiar in Paris have this olfactory quality, yet are delights to the palate. Lady Bonds does question the duchess' motivations in prefering "Finnishness" to "Norwegianness" and thinks that the duchess ought to think long and hard before making such a blanket statement. Did she have a particular "Norwegian" in mind?

Winters; I appreciate the nuances you have brought to the qualifier "sort of." However, I might add that Scandinavians are rarely the "match-winning smash" types. They go for equality.

5:27 ip.  
Anonymous Anonyymi said...

and what is a life without mold,
i ask in all fairness:)

10:45 ip.  
Blogger Lady Bonds said...

Quite right, Sophie. Life without moldy cheese is *quite* without living. Try a good Morbier the next time you're at the supermarket.

Do the stars suggest the illustrious Sophie might be visiting Paris?

2:26 ap.  

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